Am I Being Punished by God?
I am twenty-eight years old and have a new baby boy who is four months old now. Six weeks after the baby was born he needed to have surgery and I almost lost him. Ever since I am so scared I am going to lose him again. I am a practicing Muslim I pray, fast and do my duties as a Muslim. I am not perfect but I am trying. My question is how I stop this constant fear of losing my baby. I have faith in Allah but ever since the surgery I have become very scared and in a constant state of panic and stress. I fear everything. And sometimes I fear that Allah is punishing me for mistakes I have made prior to being married. I was born and raised in the states and unfortunately I have made many mistakes in my early twenties. After making my mistakes I went back on the path of Islam. I married a Muslim man, I went and performed an Umra and I recently had a baby all of which has happened within a year. Allah opened my path and made it very easy for me to return to Islam Alhamdulillah. I just want to know what I can do to stop being so scared all the time that I am being punished. I ask forgiveness with every prayer and yet I do not seem to stop being scared of my punishments in this life and the afterlife. Is there anything I can do to ease my mind?
This feeling of fear must be understandably very disturbing for you. However, it is a sure sign of faith, something that you can feel proud of. Fearing the displeasure of God is a great asset for any believer. However, you must not be over-awed by this feeling. The best way to combat this imbalance is to spend in charity as much as you can and to pray to God especially if you can in the tahajjud prayer.
Remember no one can be a greater well-wisher of ours than God. Just keep talking to God whenever you are alone and you will find Him to be around you. As for your past sins, just keep asking forgiveness from the Almighty. InshaAllah He will forgive your sins because you have sincerely repented.
It might not be a bad idea to show yourself to a doctor who can perhaps give you a relaxant to relieve you of this tension.